Not Myself

Last year an exorcist came to give a talk, and this past Monday he came back. This time the event was widely publicized and was held at one of the largest auditoriums we have on campus. And like last year, this event was again short on seats. Probably 5 - 600 people showed up. The priest was asked to talk for 30 minutes and then fielded 90 minutes of questions from the audience.

The priest, Fr. Lampert is from Indiana where he is responsible for his own 1200 family member parish. The role of exorcist is his side job which was appointed to him by the Bishop of his diocese. He is quick to note that he was not asked to take this position, he was basically told to go to Rome and get training. There are 12 officially trained exorcists in the country, up from 1 back in the eighties. When he came on stage the first thing he asked is whether or not he was what we the audience were expecting. That maybe we were thinking he'd be a little old man with a long beard dressed in a black suit and wearing a top hat. Instead he's about as ordinary as you'd expect, middle-aged and balding. But right away his sense of humor and ability to interact with young people is noticeable.

As an exorcist he gets about 5 to 6 calls a week. Mostly from mothers who believe their daughter is possessed. The number of genuine cases is exceptionally low. In order to be called a genuine possession the possessed has to undergo a battery of tests setup by Fr. Lampert, the first being studied by a panel of mental health experts, and other various therapists and doctors. If this panel reports back to him that the person in question has symptoms beyond their explanation then he will meet the person and perform his own tests. There were two that he mentioned to us. The first is just simply looking at the person. In general, truly possessed people will not look him in the eye. And when they do he says he can see the evil. He tried to explain this with old saying that the eyes are the window to a person's soul. He described looking into the eyes of someone truly possessed is like looking directly into the face of evil. It's unmistakable.

The second test he mentioned is that he will hide the Eucharist somewhere on him or in his office. Nearly always, someone truly possessed will completely flip out when they get close to the Eucharist. And he will randomly change the times and locations that he performs the test.

There are a few other signs he looks for as well. The ability to talk in unknown languages is not just Hollywood. Typically the languages are ancient Greek and Latin and Hebrew. Supernatural strength is another sign. The inability to remember what was going on when the evil was manifesting is important. And the last is an inexplicable aversion to the sacred (like the Eucharist test I mentioned). This also includes crosses, holy water, and Churches.

An exorcism is typically a very long process spanning weeks and in a few cases many months. Like the angels, demons too have ranks and the greater the rank the greater the difficulty and time required. A part of the process is to get the demon's name. This is because knowing someone's name has a bit of power. If I say "Hey" you may not turn around. If I say "Hey Gurney", she may still not turn around (because she's like that) but it's going to get her attention nevertheless. One of the freakier cases he mentioned was a story he heard from his mentor when he was training in Italy. His mentor had been doing this for over twenty years. One time he was doing an exorcism that was taking many months and he just could not get the demon to tell its name. So finally he asked "Are you Lucifer?" And the demon responded "I do not go by that name anymore because it was given to me by Him who I hate." Fr. Lampert mentioned this last year as well, but this year I decided to ask if the demon, Satan I guess, gave the new name he goes by. Fr. Lampert said no, his mentor never did get the name, but the exorcism was successful. He also mentioned that we couldn't necessarily trust it anyway. The devil is the prince of lies after all. I've decided to give him the name Norbert.

Another thing Fr. Lampert mentioned, which was last year, was that the demons will curse everyone and know a lot. They will know everything about you, and they will say anything terrible about Jesus the saints or people you know. The reason they do this is because they really are just that hateful and secondly they are trying to distract you and scare you away. If they can scare you away then they can just keep doing whatever it is they are doing. But even though they seem to curse everyone including Jesus he said he has never heard of and has never encountered a demon that said anything even remotely negative about Mary. So last year I asked him why was this the case? Is Jesus just a Momma's boy? And he said "Yes let's go with that. You just do not mess with Jesus' Mommy." One of my friends was a bit disappointed in that answer, he was hoping for something with more theological merit trying to play off Mary as the theotokos but I didn't find much weight with that argument. For me I like the simpler idea that Jesus just doesn't like attacks on His Mom.

One of the craziest things Fr. Lampert witnessed was again when he was mentoring in Italy. It was him and the old priest. He was watching in the background, saying some prayers and the old priest was actually performing the exorcism standing next to a lady who was sitting down in a chair. At one point during the exorcism the lady started levitating and rose about a foot off the ground in that seated position. Fr. Lampert about had a heart attack, he said he would never have believed that possible without witnessing it himself. The old priest didn't even bat an eye. He just put his hand on the woman's shoulder and pushed her back down into the chair all the while continuing on with the prayers.

Because the audience had a much more diverse religious background this time around, Fr. Lampert had several logistical questions brought up that he addressed. For example, the Catholic priests do not have a monopoly on performing exorcisms. Rather we believe we have an exorcism rite which is successful when properly performed. That does not mean other religions cannot perform successful exorcisms or even that they will be somehow less effective (if the demon departs that's pretty effective). Anyone who is legitimately possessed can receive an exorcism from a Catholic priest so long as they are willing to have one performed. And he mentioned that he did one once for a Muslim who came to him. And speaking of which, he also pointed out that demons do not attack only Catholics.

The people generally possessed have little to no faith whatsoever and/or were doing something or were around someone doing something really stupid. Typically things like Ougi boards, tarot cards, witchcraft, animal sacrifices, or other similar activities will promote possessions to take place. This is not always the case, but the majority of the time this is what happens. It's not like you're just walking down the street and all of a sudden a demon hops into you. And possession is not contagious. You don't get possessed if someone who is possessed sneezes on you.

There are other forms of demonic activity. One for example is when demons physically attack people. Unlike possessions which are typically reserved for those with nearly no faith, physical attacks are used on the most devout. The idea is that the physical attacks are used to hopefully prevent the person from carrying out some special duty. Like if Fr. Lampert were physically attacked in the hopes that it would prevent him from performing exorcisms. People who are physically attacked will usually display miraculous wounds like scratches or bruises that appear out of no where. When asked if he has ever actually seen a demon, Fr. Lampert said he has not and that it may be another Hollywood myth. Theologically speaking it would seem unlikely for a human to visibly see a demon or an angel as they are spirits not physically possessing bodies as we do. Not impossible, there are cases of this in the Bible, just very unlikely.

Sleepover

On Saturday night, two guys I know came into town and needed a place to stay so I offered them my place. Both guys are very nice, and did their best to not make messes. Nevertheless I tend to be a bit of a germaphobe, or at least clean-aholic. It's not so much when it's just me, but more when I'm around others. For example, I am okay with my own messes, like say dirty dishes, but I don't want to see other people's dirty dishes. Because of these quirks, which I'm told many people tend to feel the same about, I try to get my place clean when I know people are coming. And I try to do cleaning that I would otherwise not do. For example, if my parents are coming, I'll wash my bed sheets. I know if I were sleeping in someone else's bed I would want those sheets clean. It's not like I soil them or what not, but still I'm sure my parents appreciate having freshly cleaned sheets. Or maybe I'll spend a bit more time cleaning the toliet or shower.

These guys come over, and like I said they did their best to be plesant and tidy. But I must have been in a sour mood this weekend, because it seemed like every little thing they did set me off. Like the personality of one of the guys just annoyed me to no end. Several times I found myself needing to pause for a few moments to keep my temper in check. I kept telling myself, he's trying to be plesant, nothing he's doing should be getting me so upset, but oh man was he getting on my nerves. I think we all know people like that, who may be extremely nice but for some reason their personality does not go well with our own. In my case this guy was driving me nuts.

And again they tried to be very clean. I noticed that my shower was absolutely spotless after they used it. Like beyond even what I would call clean. I saw no hair in the tub, and I looked. They even cleaned out the drain. Although I think they just flushed whatever may have been in the drain down because I didn't see any wet hair in my waste basket. I mention that only because I worry about the potential clogging that could occur. Nevertheless the shower was spotless. The toliet was in pretty good shape, but I still sterlized it anyway. What I did notice was the sink area. The mirror was covered in water stains. Like if I didn't know better I would say they tried to dry their hands on my mirror. It was so bad you'd think they would have had to try to accomplish what they did. And the thing is I have a hand towel right there. If you make a mess and splash a bit on the mirror, which I myself will be the first to admit to doing, just take the hand towel and dry off the splashes. No big deal. The other thing I took note of was the smell. That morning when I woke up the smell of these two was suffocating. I didn't notice it at first. It wasn't until I went outside and then came back in that I became overwhelmed. Right away I threw the windows open, but claimed it was merely too hot. One of the guys did not cover his mouth when he coughed, and when I told him to do so he actually tried to justify it saying it was a dry cough. When we cough we cover our mouths. This isn't a point open for debate.

Finally, and probably my biggest gripe was that they slept on my couch and more gripingly my recliner. The couch I can understand. It's very comfortable, that's why I bought it. The recliner though is a recliner. You sit in recliner, maybe dose off for a quick nap. But they aren't meant for a full night's sleep. They aren't made for that, and you're gonig to wake up sore. So I asked them why they slept on them. The couch as comfortable as it may be, is just so cushiony that it's likely to kill your back, and I've already mentioned the problems with the recliner. I argued to them that the floor in all likely hood would have been the better choice. And it's not like I don't have thick carpeting. For a long while I slept on the floor in that apartment because my air mattress had holes, but that is an article for another tasteful Thursday. But really my gripe was that those two pieces of furniture are leather. If you aren't familiar with leather, the big problem with it is that skin destroys it. The oils from our skin just ruin it. And you can get the impression of this first hand because you will probably notice if you have any exposed skin that it will start to stick to the leather after a very short period of time. Now keep it there for a full night. Take a tip from the ladies man, making out on a leather couch is downright silly. Put a blanket down or something. I don't mind so much if a girl sleeps on my couch and recliner, just because I tend to equate girls with cleanliness and they seem to use pillows and blankets more than the guys I have over. Although I do not appreciate when girls fail to wash to makeup off properly before they lay their head down for the night. That stuff gets everywhere. No, I'm not speaking to any of my girl readers I know of. I just know of some girls who don't always wash their faces before bed at night. Anyway, the reason for the gripe is that I don't want that leather getting ruined by anyone older than 7 years old. I'll make exceptions for kids because they are kids, and it's just a couch and recliner, they aren't exactly important. But not 20-some year olds who should know better. So I took the time to use my cleaners afterwards.

The thing is these guys are both nice and they were clean. The little things I mentioned can and do happen to everyone and I'm only pointing them out just because I wanted something to blog about. Nevertheless, I was grossed out, to a very small degree to be sure (okay I found the coughing issue to be quite nasty), twice and it made we wonder about that fundamental question. These guys both have/had girlfriends, I must be doing something very wrong.

Needing Noise

This past weekend I played chauffeur Joe, by driving a bunch of students to and from a retreat they were attending. I didn't attend the retreat myself, I just volunteered to help drive people to and from. In all I made 5 of these trips. The first trip out one of the students asked if I could put some tunes on. And of course I turned on the radio. Actually I had just made a new mix tape earlier that day and I was eager to listen to it. And since I have sensational taste, the students very much enjoyed it too. Well there were some songs they did not like, and then I had to scream at them but in all it was a good time. Then the next day I was driving some more students and again I was asked if I could put some tunes on. This second request gave me some pause and is the subject of this post.

Notice that word 'tunes'. Both people asked me to play some 'tunes'. Not music, the radio, melodies or whatever other words one uses to describe music, but 'tunes'. I could be wrong but the odds of two people using that same word, which I don't think is a very common word used to describe music compared to all the other phrases one could use, seems awfully low. And that got me thinking about today's youth. To me this was an indication of this near addiction young people have to needing music or some sort of background noise at all times. You see it everywhere, people walking around with those buds stuck in their ears. In my case, we were not on the road for a minute before the requests for the music came in. Now, not everyone is like this. Of the other 3 trips, only 1 requested music but it was at least a few minutes out. It's not like we had just got into the car and the need for music arose. And we can't say that they wanted the music so soon because of a lack of conversation. Quite the opposite, the students I drove gabbed on and on the whole time.

For me, I do like playing music while I'm at work. Sometimes I turn it on just to get rid of the noise of the other workers. Other times I do find it helps me concentrate, especially if there really is no other sort of noise present, like in a really quiet library. But then there are times when I get so completely absorbed in my work or studies that I completely tune out everything to the point where I won't even respond if my name is called, or where I really do want the complete quiet. I generally find all addictions troubling. Maybe this apparent need for music that the students seemed to be craving was just my perspective on the situation but at the same time I wouldn't be surprised if many of these earbud wearing types really have developed a 'need' for constant noise.

Dog Day

Today is tasteful Thursday. It has been a few weeks since I've educated you on the finer things in life, but I'm still not satisfied with the complete lack of well roundedness I'm finding with today's youth. And I live in a college town! Today I want to talk about the soft coated Wheaten Terrier.

When I was in Kiawah my Mom and I met a guy who had two of them. They were almost as fantastic as basset hounds. Almost. These two dogs were terrific. Both were girls, the oldest one being the other's Aunt. Like stupid cats, terriers, which were bred for doing nasty things, are not known for having great temperments. However the soft haired Wheaten terrier is the exception. I think it's because being so soft puts them in a good mood. The two I met wanted nothing more than to petted. They didn't bark, or snarl. They just walked up and waited for you to say 'Hello'. But then they got excited and decided they wanted to lick us. It was a testament to just how fantastic these dogs really were because Mom had no problem with getting on her knees and giving them huge hugs. Wheatens also do not shed. They do lose hair, but its similar to how humans lose it. Just a little here and there throughout the day. And they are hypoallergenic so you really have no excuse not to get one.

Wheatens get to be a good size but not overbearingly so. A toddler could probably ride one like a horse, but that's about it. The ones I met came somewhere between my knee and waist. Unfortunately the google images do not do these dogs justice. The picture above is pretty good, but the ones I met had hair with a slightly more golden tinge to it. That one looks like a blond. I didn't think about it then, but even though the two were girls, the owner had them cut with that goatee looking Irish cut. At first I thought I was looking at a Schnauzer. Speaking of which these are the best looking of the terrier group. The other terriers either look to primpy (for pre-teen girls and old ladies) or mangy (for hunters). But even though they look the best they aren't all pompous like the poodles.

Death by TomatoEs

The human body is a frail thing. My sister has not yet received confirmation of kidney stones. However, she did have a bout of e-coli and a bladder infection. The doctors think that the bladder infection may have led kidney stones because she dawdled too long in getting it looked at. Apparently kidney stones the result of bladder infections tend to be bigger than other ones, and usually require surgical procedures to remove. I was under the impression that the doctors just blast them to smithereens with lasers, and then they pass on out. Anyway, she got a CAT scan today that should hopefully be illuminating (ha, I'm witty). Speaking of which when I was in the eigth grade I did a science fair project to determine if dandelion root could inhibit the growth of e-coli better than commonly prescribed antibotics like penecilin and tetracycline. The answer was mixed. Those capsules you buy at the health food store didn't do a thing. The capsules contain dry dandelion root. For those cases the e-coli took over. But if you use fresh dandelion root (which I grew for my experiment), right from the ground, it completely obliterated the e-coli. Only tetracycline showed as much promise.

Now my Mom on the other hand continues to shock-and-awe with her number of problems. She just won't quit, I can't tell you how many exotic diseases she's had in the past. Like the double dose of cancer was barely worth noticing. Right now each of her feet has a separate problem associated with them. Something to do with the joints that occurs from overuse. The thing is the two problems are different. Having the same problem in both feet would be too easy for Mom. Just recently she also sprained a muscle in her chest somehow. Not really sure how that happened. One day she's has the incredibly intense chest pain, goes to the doctor, and they say she's pulled a muscle. Nevertheless she just got a "thorough" physical and stress test performed. For the first time in my conscious life her blood work came out normal. There were no elevated or delevated levels. That alone was worrying. For Mom to be normal means something is going wrong. And not too surprisingly she passed her stress test in spades. They had her walk on a tread mill set to an up hill terrain. The point is for her to get her heart rate up to over 120 beats/minute and her usual at rest beat is 60. The doctors say two minutes is bad. Mom went for 10 at a jog. The doctors asked her if she works out. She doesn't. She just doesn't stop working or moving until her body drops her dead late in the evening. But even still, next week she was asked to go see the city's heart doctor. That's a bit worrying. And of course those idiot doctors don't give any indications as to why such an appointment is necessary. They should start the conversation with "there is no cause for alarm". Clearly there is a cause for concern or she wouldn't have to go in the first place. It's not like you make an appointment with a cardiologist just to have him give you a gold star. Oh, and I almost forgot. The other day she was in the ktichen drying a bowl. But she wanted to reach for something with one her right hand. Thinking the wet bowl might slip if she only held it with one hand she grabbed a towl to get a better grip on it. So holding it tight with the towl in her left hand she grabbed whatever it was she wanted with her right. But as she was doing this she felt an intense pain in her middle finger on her left hand. At first she thought she broke it, but the finger appeared fine. Then she figured the pain would go away eventually. A few hours later she looked down at that finger and found it to be black-and-blue. She managed to significantly bruise her finger from doing nothing more than keeping a tight grip on a bowl! So please keep both these two, Mom and sis, in your prayers.

Yesterday I made spaghetti sauce. It came out much better than the last batch I made. The chief problem this time is that I found out I'm not a big fan of Rosemary. It's a bit too strong which tends to masks the other flavors and I'm just not too keen on the taste of it. I added it because I thought it sounded like a sophisticated ingredient and read that it does go with tomato sauces. I've been bottling my sauce in a previously used Ragu glass jar. But while I have been rinsing out this glass jar I haven't really been doing anything other than pouring some water into it, shaking it around some, and then pouring it out. I talked to Mom and Dad last night in order to let them know I made the batch and it came out great. Talking about food is about the only thing they and I can have a normal conversation about so I like to make them happy by asking for their opinions and approval on these matter. Their opinion is that they think I'm going to die of botulism. I thought that would be pretty amusing. Both their kids could die less than a month apart from food poisoning simply because we're too lazy to cook properly.

Mixed Signals

Last Friday was Mass and pancakes, and wonder of wonders things went pretty well. It just so happened that again I got to sit next to the girl I was interested in at breakfast. Everyone was having so much fun that even after we had paid we looked at the time and decided none of us really wanted to leave so we sat around for another 15 minutes. I did get a chance to bring up my working-holiday idea (now in limbo) and that stimulated more conversation too. Nevertheless I still wouldn't say much headway was met. I suppose in an ideal situation the next step would be to ask her to something else, but I'm still trying to do damage control from all the previous fiascos. Baby steps.

My hope is that I can give a stellar talk on this retreat. The way things work is that on the Saturday night of the retreat, there is a giant reunion were people on the past retreats come out and there's a big social. Now during this time-period the people on the current retreat are introduced, both participants and team members. I happen to be giving my talk sometime Saturday before the social. So the idea is that if I can manage to give an amazing presentation then when I get called out hopefully there will be a big applause by the participants. Big enough that the girl I'm interested in will take notice. Well that's the idea anyway.

I told all of this to one of the two team leaders on Friday. She thought the whole thing was pretty funny but agreed with me that it was a good idea. Earlier on Friday she and the other team leader had to talk to me about my talk. See on Monday I had to preview it for the team, and then I was asked to leave the room so the other team members could talk about what they liked and what needed improvement. Generally these last all of 5 minutes but I was out there for at least 15. Although it wasn't too bad because it just so happened that the girl I'm interested in was out there and I got some face time with her. Anyway, after being out there for so long I was greatly concerned that my talk was not well received. And when I came back in the room it's not like everyone was jumping up to tell me I did a good job. In fact I got very few compliments and they were from people who are sort of complimentary anyway so it's hard to tell just how much they liked it. So now Friday rolls around and I'm really anxious to hear about what went wrong. But to my surprise I was told the group loved the talk. All I really had to do was fix up the few areas that might have been a bit too insensitive. For example 'beating babies' has become 'beating baby seals'. This way I won't upset anyone who may have been beaten as a child. Then later on Friday night when I was talking with that team leader, I asked her what she thought about our team. She said she had been on a few truly fantastic teams in the past and had set an impossibly high standard for our retreat. This worried hear a bit, but she said that the past meeting on Monday changed her mind and she now thinks we have an awesome team. I then asked her what happened on Monday's meeting to make her feel that way, because at least to me it seemed like any other meeting. She said my talk was so amazing that when I was giving it she was looking around the room and could see the team drawing closer together. She said when I left everyone just clicked. Well that was a very nice compliment. Later on we were talking about the timing of the retreat. By that I mean the scheduling of events during the retreat. She told me that everything is really tight and planned to the minute. Like the schedule might say from 10:43-10:45 do something. But then I remembered that earlier in the day when I was getting critiqued on my talk they said it was 5 minutes over my allotted time. And when all was said and done, they actually wanted me to add more. So I asked her what am I supposed to do, was there anything I could get rid of to get back on time and still be able to add everything else they wanted. And she said to take all the time I want, they'll find away to make things work if I go over. Wow, another really nice compliment.

The reason I'm telling you this is not to toot my horn, if that speech is good and not totally off-putting like everything else I say it's only by some great grace above. Yesterday I was talking to Mom. Both my parents knew how anxious I was about how my speech was received and that I felt it had gone very bad. So I told her about my meeting and then the time I spent with my team leader. It had turned out that my team leader and I talked till a little after 1 in the morning for about 4 hours. Immediately my Mom demanded that I call the girl up and ask her out to 'Where the Wild Things Are' and dinner. And I said no way. First I don't want to see the movie, second it was too soon, third I'm not interested in her that way, and fourth even if I was interested she is leaving at the end of the semester (okay so is the girl I'm interested in but this is different somehow). Of course she didn't listen to me, but eventually I managed to get her off the phone. At this point I looked at my watch. I wanted to see the time because I knew not 5 minutes from then my Dad would be calling. And sure enough, not 5 minutes later he is on the phone telling me that I have to call her. I didn't know I was in such a hopeless position! If a girl so much as pays me a compliment it must be a sign that she wants to date me. Hmm. Or maybe they think there's so little to compliment about me that if anyone can find something to compliment me about then they must be a cut above the rest. Well that's just silly. Everyone knows I'm sensational. I think Mom and Dad are just getting desperate for some grandkids.

Crack in the Plan

Cats are not my favorite pet. In fact they are about the last pet I would like to have. Everyone just screams about how clean they are. Just because they lick themselves, and go potty in a box doesn't make them clean. They still get their hair everywhere. My biggest problem with cats is that they are tempermental. Sometimes they can't get enough of you and the rest of the time if you so much as look at them they try to claw you to shreds. If I want I'll just go talk to one of my girl friends. Unfortunately my kitty-kat has been tempermental lately. I found out on Friday that the radiator has a crack in it. And because it's a finicky animal not just any radiator will do. So with labor the whole job and radiator is going to be a little over a thousand dollars.

That puts a bit of a damper on the working-holiday I was planning. Fixing the car is going to be about half the price of the trip. What a shame. So now I'm unsure what I'm going to do. Gurney maybe you'll be hearing from me after all. The problem with even that is now I probably need to hold off until December because of the upcoming retreat. But then the weather is going to be cold and miserable. At that point I should be heading South not just directly West.

Blue Moon

Taking my own advice, when I was at the library the other day after I finished my post I went to go look at the travel section to see if there were any books available on Nepal. There was one which detailed 12 treks that hikers may want to look into.

Unimpressed, I made to leave to check out what Borders had. On my way out I walked by a small cluster of four computers. I thought they were for looking at microfilm because they have big bulky monitors and are clearly set aside for some special purpose. But at one of these computers there was a girl looking at Facebook. And this girl was a stunner. Not so much lust-hot but I'd say quite near a 10 on wife-hot, definitely a 9. A 9 comes along about one every year. And I've only known one person I considered a 10 so for me this was a special occasion (spell checker is fantastic, I always put 2 's' in this word). Now I am not so exceptionally shallow as this post (and probably most of my previous ones) would have you expect. However, being a guy I certainly appreciate a pretty lady, and when they are this pretty certain actions are required. After all this only happens once a year. But there was a problem. I could think of no way to approach her. I thought about just going up and telling her like it was. "Excuse me miss, I just wanted to say you're really pretty." And be on my way if she had nothing to say back. But I thought that would be a bit creepy. Gurney, later that evening, concurred. Much later that evening I decided that something so simple as that would have been alright. Paying someone a compliment isn't a big deal, and if something came of it the better. I guess I'll know better next time. Leave and learn I suppose.

Now the next thing I want to talk about is Nepal. I wrote the Nepalese government yesterday to ask them if the organization I want to work through is a legitimately recognized corporation in their country. The US Department of State has an e-mail address that you can write to which is sent to Nepal, specifically for this purpose. Apparently there are a few shady organizations over there, and the legitimate ones are registered with the government. No word back yet on that. Also I've been having my first few misgivings on the matter. While I would be extremely excited to work with either children or the Monks, the $2500+ price for it all is not exciting. Plus I am feeling a little rushed trying to plan this all with basically 2 weeks left to go, and no real information yet on how this is all supposed to go down. Like I need to arrange the air-fare, get my application in, figure out how to get a VISA. Yes I could just get one in Kathmandu, but I'd rather not fly all the way over there only to find out for some reason I get turned down. When I traveled in the past this was never a problem but this is a new experience and I want my VISA before I fly there. Essentially I don't want to leave anything up for questions. But it seems that the people I am working with do not share my sense of urgency. If this doesn't happen, which it might not, my favorite people in the world, a group of Italian nuns I knew as an undergrad, are planning a trip to Italy in June. So if I do not do this volunteering program, hopefully I can at least go to Italy for a week.

The next thing to mention is that last week the Mass and pancakes did not happen. It got pushed till tomorrow. So hopefully tomorrow I will have something to report. Fortunately, I have a really good conversation starter, which is this whole working-holiday business. That should give me some face time with her. Plus I have a good joke to tell about that 83 year father.

Aum?

Tibet is off. Unfortunately, the organization I wanted to go through does not currently have any projects there, although they have in the past so maybe in a few months they'll start one back up. So that leaves me with teaching the Monks in Nepal or saving the forests of Peru. As much as I would like to go to Peru to help with the conservation efforts, I imagine I would die in my first 10 minutes. Everything about that place is different than here. They have mountains we have flat walking. They have jungles we have soy beans. It is tropical there and it's close enough to being winter here. Although every single one of those reasons is what makes it so desirable.

I don't know much about Nepal. I should probably get a book on it. Sorta convenient being at the library. All I know is that it is where Buddhism was founded. The pics look pretty good too. The organization said I could be approved in time for the first week of November. So that's fantastic. So long as I don't waste too much time I can actually see this through.

Oh The Places You'll Go

A very optimistic view puts new stable work coming in around early December. Based on this past year, that work might not be in till February. Personally I'm guessing sometime in December as the customer seems to realize the urgency of getting their workers some work before they lose them. Now that means for the next month or two I will remain on overhead at work and occasionally doing a little direct work here and there and maybe some proposal writing (although that too is overhead, it's just under a different name).

With that in mind, since the company is putting me up for the awhile, common courtesy dictates that I help out however I can. This can come in the form of a volunteered pay cut. In that example I would work 30 hours a week and take off Friday, which gives me the benefit of a 3-day weekend. Or another option would be for me to use some of my vacation time, as I've mentioned before. I do have a bit of vacation saved up so lately I've been thinking about how to put it to use.

The first idea would be for me to head on over to Portland, Oregon for a few days to visit Gurney. I looked into this and found driving there is out of the question, making flying a necessity. The problem with that is tickets are insane. Like over $700. Now there are some sites out there like kayak.com which find better offers. Using those sites the tickets are pre-scheduled. So for example there may be a $300 roundtrip deal but it may be for 3 days. Meaning you fly in, have a day or two there, and then you return on the 3rd day. Typically the good deals are for 4 days, departing on a Thurday and returning Monday. That's not too bad, but the price is still in the mid-$300s. Now considering I get to stay for free at Gurney's $300 isn't bad at all. So that's option 1 that I'm considering.

But then I found out about option 2, and is the basis for the joke my Mom thought of at the waiting room yesterday. There are organizations that offer volunteer programs in all sorts of different countries. The way these work is that you find a country and project in that country you are interested in supporting and sign up for a 1 - 12 week interval. Depending on the country there is a fee involved that covers the expense for the host family, reception at the airport, and a few other things. Generally I've found the fee to be about $500 for 1 week with about $100 more for each week you stay. And there's a $200 non-refundable application fee. The application fee is used to get all the paper work straight with the hosting country and prepare for your inclusion in the volunteer program.

So here are some of the programs. You can volunteer in Sri Lanka at an elephant orphanage. You can go to Nepal and teach the Buddhist Monks English in their monastaries. In Tibet you can teach the school children and orphans English. In Italy you can work on a mountain side preserving a naturally growing olive grove. You can go to Peru to work on rainforest conversation efforts, or go to the Galapagos Islands and help save the sea tortoises from extinction. This is so awesome. My top two at the moment are going to Tibet to work with the children and going to Peru. The Galapagos sounds amazing but that fee is around $1400. Italy is amazing, but I know this because I've already been there twice, and the description says do not underestimate that you will be working like a dog. However, they also say to make up for it that everyday you are given a lunch that will be the greatest meal you have ever had in your life. Nepal also sounds incredible and was the basis for my Mom's joke. It would be funny if I were to help teach the Monks English and in the process convert them to Catholicism. My reason for not wanting to go there is only that I think I would prefer to help out the children. The monks would probably be more amazing to meet but helping the children would likely bring far more joy. Maybe Nepal can be saved for another time or as a backup if Tibet doesn't come through. Helping out the Dumbo's in Sri Lanka would be about the most fun I could imagine having, but I remember praying every week at Mass when I was an undergrad for war-torn Sri Lanka. If you've forgotten, this is Peru. That's why I want to go. As for Tibet, it's Tibet. That's reason enough.

At the moment I am trying to do several things. First I need to confirm that the organizations I am interested in working with are legitimate. Hey, maybe you can help the one I am most interested in is called Rustic Volunteer and Travel. I think they are fine, but I would really sleep better hearing someone who knows tell me that. Next I need to get the paperwork in order. These volunteering sessions start on the first and third week of every month. I want to go the first week of November, but that means I only have three weeks to get everything in order. Fortunately I already have an updated passport. I would have no problem going the third week of November but that will taken up by that retreat I'm going on. But if November simply won't work then I'll just shoot for December. Unless something horrible stops me, I am planning on making this happen.

Now I realize this is a bit more expensive than $300. That $700 fee doesn't cover air-fare after all. However, I am willing to pay significantly more for a week's stay in the Himalayas than I am for a stay in Portland. Gurney I'm sure you understand. How much more I still don't have answer to. Booking a plane ticket to Tibet isn't exactly on most itineraries.

Second Worst

Pancake breakfast didn't happen last Friday. Instead it got pushed up to this coming Friday. Anyway, moving on today has been interesting. Lately my sister has noticed some urination problems. These problems have been occurring for the past few weeks. This morning at 4:00 she woke up needing to use the bathroom. As she was walking in, she felt a pain in her lower back that was unbearable, it was the very worst pain she has felt in her life. So she called up Mom and Dad. No my sister has no tact so I could just imagine this conversation. When you call someone at 4 in the morning the first thing you should do is clarify that everything is okay or at least put on a semblance of well being if you are lying in a puddle of your own blood with death approaching shortly. My sister on the hand starts the conversation to my Mom screaming bloody murder. Then my Mom comes to realize Brittany is experiencing some lower back pains. But being a good Mom she gets my Dad up and they head on over to Cincinnati at 5 in the morning to lend Brittany a helping hand.

About 10 minutes out, Dad's car begins to sound like a "choo-choo train" and they decide to turn around and get Mom's car. As they were pulling out of the driveway, Dad realizes he forgot his cellphone and pulls back in to begin the search. After a few moments of panic that he can't find it, he discovers it's sitting in his shirt pocket. Now they're ready to head out.

When they get there Brittany explains that she wants to go to Urgent Care rather than an emergency room. Dad, who over-reacts to which way the toilet paper hangs off the roll, felt the emergency room was more appropriate. Somehow, Brittany managed to win this fight and they proceed to the Urgent Care with slightly elevated tension levels. At 10:00 I'm abruptly awoken from my peaceful sleep by my Mom who decides to call. She filled me in on the whole story, but I get the sense the reason she called was because she wanted me to give me the background story of a funny joke she was thinking of. Here she is sitting in the waiting room, with Dad huffing and puffing like a madman, and she's laughing because she thought it would be very funny if I were to go to Tibet and convert the Buddhist Monks to Catholicism. To be fair this was not completely random, there is a background story to this joke, but you will have to wait a few days yet for those details.

About an hour and half later Brittany calls, interrupting me in the middle of 'Casino Royale'. She wants to let me know that the doctors say she has a urinary track infection and possibly kidney stones. I asked her if this is because she doesn't wipe properly but she assured me that is not the cause of her problem. Then she started telling me about the details of this morning. But in the middle of that Jake called me so I had to put her on hold to find out what he wanted. When I got back on the phone with Brittany she was not too pleased. Dad then picked up the phone to tell me I got brownie points for putting her on hold as she was describing to me the worst pain she ever felt in her life (ours is a loving family). Then he (now in a much better mood) handed the phone back to an upset Brittany. I then explained to her a funny joke on Curb Your Enthusiasm that was very much related to our current situation and another joke from South Park related to her condition, she laughed good and hard and then all was well. The doctors explained to her that the pain of kidney stones is the second worst pain we know of next to child birth. I explained to her that for the well endowed like me it's actually significantly worse because of the extra distance the stone has to travel. Utterly grossed out she decided this was a good point to end the conversation.

A few hours later I called her up to tell her about Mom's joke at the hospital. She told me Mom told her all about it. I then asked if they were gone yet and she said "Well they left a little while ago, but they came back to pick me up because they want to look at a house for sale with me." "They were up at 4 and instead of going home exhausted they are driving back to pick you up to look at a house for sale?" "Yes." "This is what cocaine does to you. Aren't you in pain?" "I just took my drugs and was laying in bed. They are starting to kick in too, I can feel myself losing control of my functions, and we are right now getting out of the car to go in." "Enjoy the trip. Ha." And with that she had to go.

Why So Serious?

Having a manager is tough. Gurney has been complaining that these latest posts are not humorous enough. Apparently, just being amusing is not enough. These have to be laugh out loud funny. I can't consistently have some gut-busting new post to tell nearly everyday. Gah, there's so much pressure.

Maybe I need another vacation to take my mind off the stresses of having a blog. The old saying goes that "God provides" and He may be coming through in spades right now. My situation at work isn't changing and it doesn't look like it's going to for quite sometime. And the talks with my managers have been interesting. All of them say emphatically that they will not ask an employee to take a vacation. However it's a different story, when asked whether or not they recommend I take a vacation. One said, it would be a good consideration if I have somewhere to go. Another simply said that now would be a good time to do so. But when asked if by not taking a vacation and instead continue charging to "Awaiting Coverage" I am increasing my chances of being laid off the answer varies from probably not to not. So I guess I will just keep charging to the company. Sorry Gurney no visits yet.

This post wasn't very funny either. I'll do my best to have something funny for you tomorrow. It should be easy enough. I will be seeing that girl again bright and early for Mass and pancakes, so there will be plenty of good opportunities for me to completely humiliate myself. Hmmm...that sort of sounds like Gurney is rooting for me to fail. I love friends.

Half Plus Seven

As a part of the preparation for the upcoming retreat in November, the team leader is supposed to come up with a sacrifice that we can all do to sort of generate some extra graces for the participants. For example, the first week we were asked to learn the "Hail Mary" in Latin ("Ave Maria", the same as that beautiful song). This past week we were asked to meet with one person on the team who didn't already know very well. The person I met with was Meghan. Meghan and I had both been on team for another retreat two years ago. We were already fairly well acquainted through that retreat but we've never hung out or anything, and we don't know anything about each other so we thought it would be a good "sacrifice" on both are parts to grab dinner together last night.

During dinner, we talked about everything and anything from grandma's with cancer to whether or not bars in the local area have swing dance nights (they do not in case you're curious). At some point she decided she needed to ask me about my lady situation. At this point I looked at my watch, and after some thought on it I felt there was enough time to give her a good overview of my trials.

Now at this point in the conversation she told me not to get discouraged, because I have plenty of time. To illustrate this point she told me about her friend, whose Dad, when she was in highschool, was 83! She was his only child and her Mom was his one and only wife! No way. The husband and wife had a 30 year difference. So therefore, according to Meghan, I have a 60 year to span to work from, starting from the pre-conceived to some of my friend's Moms. That would be so weird, being the step-Dad of my friends.

Toasty

The past few days have kept me a bit busy. I've been trying to write my talk and it's been taking away from my typical posting time. The talk has been a bit tricky for me. I've given it once before about 5 years ago and still have that original speech. I was very pleased with it and it has aged well. The problem with it is that I didn't feel that it reached the audience. Oh they greatly liked it, but the talk is on Christian Living and I want to stir in these people a renewed effort to either get on the right path or keep on it if they are already are. Last time I don't think I accomplished that.

So far the new talk has been slow going. But it's going. I don't actually give it until mid-November but I have to preview it twice, first this Thursday and then next Monday. Which means I at least need a good version of it ready to go. I can change it all I want after the fact but I need to have something soon.

Anyway that's why the blogs haven't been up to par. But to try and keep you entertained last night I went to a social where a lot of my friends were gathered. We were making smores around a fire pit. That girl I'm interested in also happened to be there. No I didn't talk to her, I couldn't think of any good conversation starters, but she did pay attention to the conversations I was having when she was nearby. I tried to be a bit sly though. The pertinent details are three seats at the fire pit. The left most seat was open, the middle seat was taken by my friend and the right most seat was occupied by the girl. I was behind them and wanted to sit down, particularly in that middle seat. Directly behind them, were I happened to be standing there was another row of people. And my friend and the girl had their marshmellows in the fire. So I decided to try and play it off that I couldn't get to the leftmost seat easily and asked my friend if he would mind scooting over to his left so I could get in (this created a nice gap for me to get in, it's sort of hard to describe without an illustration). And I got to sit next to the girl. I think though that my intention was a bit too obvious. At the time I was thinking about saying something like "Could you please scoot over, I can't get to the chair next to you easily with your sticks in the fire and the people behind me." It was more of a half truth than anything else. So out of ear shot I asked my friend, "was it obvious?" He knew what I meant and said "yep." Oh well, I still enjoyed my smores.

One of my friends on campus, who happens to be a girl, says my chief problem is that I need to act like a grown up. Her opinion is that I don't act mature enough. That's probably true, in public at least. One-on-one or at work, I find most people say I'm too serious and grown up, but when it's time to have fun I do tend to act like a little kid.

The thing about all of this is that just earlier that day I got a phone call from a guy who is having lady troubles and wanted my advice because he thinks I'm good around ladies. I just can't win. I feel like Hitch, minus being black, good-looking and cool.

Plumage

Yesterday I finished my current project at work that I've been working on for the past two weeks. On Monday a new project(s) will start. Or they would start if there were any to start. Yep, when I go into work on Monday I will have no billable customer work to perform. There is one customer I am still awaiting an e-mail from with about 60 hours worth of work that is coming but I do not know when I will hear from them. It could be Monday it could be Tuesday it could be a month from now. So with no real customer to charge the company has a few options. They can tell me to take a vacation, or a leave without pay for a few weeks. I have a little over 4 weeks of vacation time saved up so this can get me out of any real pickle for about a month. They could just lay me off. Since they have no work for me to do, laying me off is always an option. Or they could put me on overhead and allow me to charge to our company's savings. This year I was told to limit my overhead charging to 2% of my time which covers things like special meetings we are required to be at, or required training like an ethical standards in the workplace review. So putting me on overhead for a few weeks or months is no small issue.

Fortunately, as we all know, I am sensational and work will be putting me on overhead. I will be charging our 'awaiting coverage' task line. Work doesn't want to lay me off because we will be getting an $8 million contract which should get turned on in a few months. They need me to work this contract and laying me off would probably be more costly than putting me on overhead.

So now they need to find something to keep me occupied during this down time. The best thing in these cases is to invest that overhead money in me in the form of more education. Currently they want me to learn up on electronic warfare. That's pretty interesting. Here's an ex-graduate theologian studying electronic warfare. Oh well. So no worries yet, I suppose. I still have a job and they are wanting to invest even more into me. The only concern I have is that I am only the first of about 10 to 11 of us who will be in the same situation. Several more will be joining me at the end of the week and nearly all of us likely before the end of the month. That's a lot of overhead money being spent.

Speaking of electronic warfare I heard about a neat technology the other day. When a rocket is launced in the air, there's always all the smoke that comes out of it. Well apparently those rocket exhaust plumes are fairly unique to the rocket. It should be no surprise to you that we have satellites everywhere watching locations of interest 24-7. The technology is that when one of those rockets is launced that satellites can watch the plume and we can figure out what sort of rocket was launced. So if Iran were to launch one of it's missles we could simply look at the huge plume of smoke that comes out from it, even though the missle itself may be too small to see, and say "Hey, Iran just launced one of it's mid-range missles". I had no idea we could do this, but the phenomenology of rocket exhaust plumes is already a large area of research. There's a company slogan for you "We do what you think to be magic."