Devil is in the Details

Yesterday I planned on trying again to ask the girl I'm interested in out to dinner on Friday before salsa dancing. Even though I expected she was going to say yes, I still had to work up the nerve to call her up and deal with the fact that this could actually be a blow to our friendship altogether. If, for example, she said no she may decide not to hang out anymore in order to avoid making any false impressions. I see this type of thing happens all the time.

But I was expecting her to say yes, and with that came another sort of worry I have. Supposing she said yes, and that things actually worked out and go swimmingly, something I'm much less confident of but let's pretend for the moment that they do, I do not want to re-experience for the 3rd time a girl I'm fond of deciding to drop me completely for another guy. The terrible pain I felt from the first two times is just as present today as it was when it happened the last time over a year ago. I've just learned how to stifle it.

Anyway, that nagging worry got me thinking about how I would handle actually being in a relationship right now. And I started thought about not calling her altogether. Taking that chance, seeing it work and getting my hopes up, only to find it all come crashing down, isn't a risk I really want to take. But then I realized that would be incredibly cowardly, and that I had to take the chance no matter what.

Then I felt that should I get into a relationship, out of that fear I would guard my emotions, and sort of setup a wall around myself. That I would limit the love and devotion I would be willing to put into the relationship. Then I rationalized that doing so would ultimately lead that relationship into disaster as well. So now I was back to square one about not calling her at all. It didn't make reasonable sense to start something doomed to failure.

And then I said to myself, "Hold on a minute, what are you thinking? Don't open yourself up, don't take risks, don't love fully, don't start new relationships, don't trust others. Every bit of that sewage is what the devil would say to do."

I threw out those rubbishy thoughts, called Stacy, and made dinner plans with her for this Friday at the best sushi restaurant in town.