Second Worst

Pancake breakfast didn't happen last Friday. Instead it got pushed up to this coming Friday. Anyway, moving on today has been interesting. Lately my sister has noticed some urination problems. These problems have been occurring for the past few weeks. This morning at 4:00 she woke up needing to use the bathroom. As she was walking in, she felt a pain in her lower back that was unbearable, it was the very worst pain she has felt in her life. So she called up Mom and Dad. No my sister has no tact so I could just imagine this conversation. When you call someone at 4 in the morning the first thing you should do is clarify that everything is okay or at least put on a semblance of well being if you are lying in a puddle of your own blood with death approaching shortly. My sister on the hand starts the conversation to my Mom screaming bloody murder. Then my Mom comes to realize Brittany is experiencing some lower back pains. But being a good Mom she gets my Dad up and they head on over to Cincinnati at 5 in the morning to lend Brittany a helping hand.

About 10 minutes out, Dad's car begins to sound like a "choo-choo train" and they decide to turn around and get Mom's car. As they were pulling out of the driveway, Dad realizes he forgot his cellphone and pulls back in to begin the search. After a few moments of panic that he can't find it, he discovers it's sitting in his shirt pocket. Now they're ready to head out.

When they get there Brittany explains that she wants to go to Urgent Care rather than an emergency room. Dad, who over-reacts to which way the toilet paper hangs off the roll, felt the emergency room was more appropriate. Somehow, Brittany managed to win this fight and they proceed to the Urgent Care with slightly elevated tension levels. At 10:00 I'm abruptly awoken from my peaceful sleep by my Mom who decides to call. She filled me in on the whole story, but I get the sense the reason she called was because she wanted me to give me the background story of a funny joke she was thinking of. Here she is sitting in the waiting room, with Dad huffing and puffing like a madman, and she's laughing because she thought it would be very funny if I were to go to Tibet and convert the Buddhist Monks to Catholicism. To be fair this was not completely random, there is a background story to this joke, but you will have to wait a few days yet for those details.

About an hour and half later Brittany calls, interrupting me in the middle of 'Casino Royale'. She wants to let me know that the doctors say she has a urinary track infection and possibly kidney stones. I asked her if this is because she doesn't wipe properly but she assured me that is not the cause of her problem. Then she started telling me about the details of this morning. But in the middle of that Jake called me so I had to put her on hold to find out what he wanted. When I got back on the phone with Brittany she was not too pleased. Dad then picked up the phone to tell me I got brownie points for putting her on hold as she was describing to me the worst pain she ever felt in her life (ours is a loving family). Then he (now in a much better mood) handed the phone back to an upset Brittany. I then explained to her a funny joke on Curb Your Enthusiasm that was very much related to our current situation and another joke from South Park related to her condition, she laughed good and hard and then all was well. The doctors explained to her that the pain of kidney stones is the second worst pain we know of next to child birth. I explained to her that for the well endowed like me it's actually significantly worse because of the extra distance the stone has to travel. Utterly grossed out she decided this was a good point to end the conversation.

A few hours later I called her up to tell her about Mom's joke at the hospital. She told me Mom told her all about it. I then asked if they were gone yet and she said "Well they left a little while ago, but they came back to pick me up because they want to look at a house for sale with me." "They were up at 4 and instead of going home exhausted they are driving back to pick you up to look at a house for sale?" "Yes." "This is what cocaine does to you. Aren't you in pain?" "I just took my drugs and was laying in bed. They are starting to kick in too, I can feel myself losing control of my functions, and we are right now getting out of the car to go in." "Enjoy the trip. Ha." And with that she had to go.