That's Brain Damage

When I made it home this weekend, my parents sat me down for lunch. After lunch Dad said get your grungies on we need to go to the river and get some rocks. So Dad, Mom, and I hopped in the van and drove down to the river. They wanted to use the river rocks to make a walkway for their house. I used to go down to this river with my buddies as teenagers. We would drive down and park on the side of the road. As we went today we found that all the old parking spots were inaccessible and signs were up all over the place saying 'No Tresspassing'. So we kept driving and finally we came across a patch that may not have been exactly legal but there were no signs saying as much.

Dad and I hauled in some massive rocks. He thinks they weighed 30 pounds but I think they were much heavier. I can dumbell 30 pounds, and I could barely lift these. But it could be that they were just very awkward to grip because they were so large.
After we got these rocks, Mom looked at the clock which said 3:00 and said we could still take these down to the house today. The house they are referring to is an hour and a half away.

We stopped at home base to get some drinks and magazines and then got back on the road. Finally around 7:30 we make it back into town, and they decide to stop at Menards for wood so Dad can make shelves. And at 8:30 we made it back home. So today was a bit of a long day if you keep in mind I made a 5 hour drive to get to them. During this time earlier today when we stopped at home for the drinks and magazines I looked at my hands. They were covered in mud. Making a pretend fuss about it I said, "Mom, I have 6 years of higher education. As a result, I have paid my dues and should not ever have hands like these." "Your zipper is down, Mr. 6 years."

Jest

In the first grade a lot of older kids noticed I had a winning smile and they started calling me "Joker". I think I knew who they were referring to back then, but I didn't like it, not one bit. They kept wanting me to smile for them, and I didn't like that attention. Afterall, having a bunch of people always looking at you and then calling you names based on your looks can be upsetting.

Eventually my friends picked up on it, and it sort of stuck. I thought that as I grew if my head got bigger then my smile would get smaller. Nope. Fortunately the name never really stuck and it would only be brought out on occasion. So for my senior year of high school I decided to go as Jack Nicholsons Joker. I remember the face paint. It was a pain because it tended to get on whatever it touched. In particular the color of my shirt. And I had wondered how the real character in the movie managed to keep it off his clothes. Well he didn't. If you look at pictures of him you'll see there actually is face paint on the collar of his shirts.

The other problem with the costume is the green hair. Back then I used a spray can that temporarily dyed hair green. The problem was that it got on my scalp, and I couldn't get it off very well. A short time after that I had to visit Ohio Northern as a possible college choice, and sure enough my green head came out all too clear under the bright sunny sky.

This year I decided to go as Heath Ledger's Joker, with those lessons in mind. I sprayed my hand and then smeared it through my hair to keep the dye off my scalp. And I used much less face paint. So without further ado here are the pictures.

Update, later today: After work I played some more. This should really be a Tasteful Thursday article. I've already given out two lessons on applying the makeup above and now I have more to say. I've decided the trick to the makeup is to keep it thin enough so the bare skin on your wrinkles can show through, and to be very generous with the black. Mixing the colors works best. Having three distinct colors looks too correct. But you want them to have their textures. If you smear them on then you'll get a smooth appearance and it will look too artificial and flat. The problem is trying to mix the colors and not get the smeared look. And by mixing them I don't mean white and black make gray. I mean mixing them such that you have white and black on top of each other without combining into a new shade much like spray paint art. I don't think I have the proper tools to pull that off, so I have to try different techniques with my fingers. Even with the new result I decided afterwards that my lips were still too solid red. They needed more black. But that's okay. Today was a trial run. This Sunday I am traveling to Columbus to celebrate little Stevie's wedding. Costumes are supposed to be worn at the reception. I'm hoping I've learned enough today to make a good appearance on Sunday.

Getting the makeup off was rather difficult. After my first attempt I looked in the mirror and thought my eyes looked a bit dark. So I rescrubbed them really hard. Finally I gave up when it just looked like I was wearing mascara. I'm going to try salsa dancing tonight, so hopefully the dark lighting will cover up the fact that I'm wearing makeup. Or maybe I'll look a bit more mysterious. Girls supposedly like dark and mysterious. I've also noticed that when I rub my forehead it feels like the makeup is still there. Maybe wearing all the foundation has improved my skin quality. Here's the new look.

Homeward Bound

That previous day was probably the climax of the trip. But there was still plenty of adventures ahead. The next day was our last full day in Kiawah and we made the most of it by staying at the ocean as long as possible, boogie boarding, kite-flying, tennis playing, and more Frisbee throwing. Towards the end of the day we went souvenir shopping at the stores near the island. These stores mostly cater to yuppies but there are a few of the strictly touristy places too. We went into a shoe store thinking they might have some flip flops on clearance because last year when I went they did. I went to the back of the store to look around and a few seconds later I hear Kelly shout all the way from the front of the store, “These flip flops are over one hundred dollars!” We quickly left that store, with her repeating herself just in case someone missed what she said the first time. Next we proceeded to the clothing store. Even before we in I knew this would cause problems for her, so I asked her to please refrain from commenting on the prices. We went in and immediately I remembered why I never get anything from there. While the clothes are very nice, they are all much too Southernly. They simply wouldn’t look right being worn in farm country. So I went looking for Kelly who I found over in the “sale” department. She said not too quietly, “I need to get out of here, now.” And as we were walking out she said, “If I see anyone leaving from here with a bag I’m hitting them in the face.” Well at least she didn’t directly mention the prices. I was very proud of her.

Kelly is a female of elegance, poise, and high fashion.

But we did pick up some souvenirs from the touristy store for our friends and family, which we added to the ones we picked up the day before when we took a brief stop in downtown Charleston. There we found a library that was throwing out old books. I grabbed a bunch because they had sophisticated sounding titles like, “The Gettysburg Review” and “Pembroke Magazine”. She grabbed some too because nothing is too good for her friends.

The trip home the next day was the first time we came to fighting. We had decided to drive up through the Smokey Mountains, and this time we were going to find a proper camping site. Well we drove right through them alright but never found a good place to camp. All the campsites were full. So we kept driving and driving. During this time we had our usual blast. We got to drive through Maggie’s Valley which was way up high in the mountains despite its valley name, fought over the music, and saw some amazing sites. Eventually we passed right through the Smokey Mountain National Park and came to Gatlinburg. Kelly, who likes all things shiny, immediately needed to pull over, and we wound up going to Ripley’s Aquarium. This was actually really well done, and I felt was in some ways even better than the Charleston Aquarium. One of the neat parts for me was seeing an Amish family walk around. They were very nice and talkative. I noticed the guy who was taking them around too. He was also very friendly but when he talked to me, I got the distinct impression he hadn’t gone beyond 8th grade. I talked to Kelly about this. That I had never met someone that old before be so simple minded. She said being a social worker it is an everyday occurrence for her. But for me, probably the majority of people I talk to have at least a Masters. So it was quite an experience, and we agreed that while he sounded like he had very little education he was probably an expert at farming or some other craft of which I have absolutely no understanding.

It was already dark when we found the aquarium and by the time we left it was dark and late. Kelly had been driving and she was clearly getting tired. We kept driving and found more campsites but they were ones that were meant for trailers. A few hours ago she didn’t want to even consider these, but now she did. I didn’t want to though because her reasons for not wanting to a few hours ago hadn’t changed now. We both didn’t like the idea of people looking in on us in the car as we tried to sleep. We had to sleep in the car because there were no tent sites and we didn’t have a trailer. So we kept driving, and things were getting quieter. No more talking and no more music. Finally she said I’m pulling over at the next rest area. I didn’t like this idea because to me the only difference from the other campsites was that we weren’t allowed to be there, but I could tell she wasn’t about to have a discussion on the matter. So I said that we could stay there, but that I was sleeping in the drivers seat in case some police officer decided to stop on by. Sadly there was to be no snuggling that night. But once I found a comfortable position, a few hours later, I managed to sleep better than the first night we spent in the car.

Nevertheless that sleep was not sufficient. The next day we headed back on the road, this time with me driving. Kelly kept sleeping in the back for about an hour. The drive was nice because I learned how the Smokey’s got their name. The pine trees admit a hydro-carbon that cause a profound smoky fog. Driving along it looked like the mountains were on fire from all the smoke. And in some cases it only covered their bases so some of them looked like islands in the sea. But this entertained me for only so long, and I started day-dreaming and drifting off to sleep. Finally Kelly needed to take the wheel. And from that point on she drove us all the way back.

On the way back we stopped by Mammoth Caves and Abraham Lincolns birthplace.

Finally we made it all the way to her Aunt and Uncle’s house where they took us on their boat over to the marina and treated us to dinner. We then spent an hour going through pictures, and finally I hit the bed and slept for many wakeless hours. And that was the end of our grand road trip.

That night, after our encounter with the pluff mud, we decided it was high time on our trip to go out for a real nice dinner, and I knew the perfect place. California Dreaming is a restaurant on the Charleston bay that has been converted from an old military fort. Being as such, it has a very interesting appearance inside and out. Inside you sit around the perimeter so that everyone has a nice view of the water. In times past, I have seen dolphins swimming around, but even without the wildlife getting to see the big yachts and deep sea fishing boats is pretty neat. Kelly would agree with this because we couldn’t even drive up to the restaurant without her wanting to get out and start taking pictures and talking to people. But I wanted to be sure we could get a table so with saintly patience she let me drive to the restaurant and see about a reservation. Turns out they don’t take reservations. It’s simply first come first serve. It was 6:30 and we wanted to walk around before the sun set so I asked if we could come back at 7. They said they would make an exception for us and make sure a table was available. And with that Kelly bolted out the door and down to the docks.





Right away we saw a guy on one of the fishing boats doing some work. This guy could not have been more of a stereotype. He had no shirt or shoes, a bronze tan, untrimmed hair under a ball cap, and was smoking a cigarette while drinking a beer. Kelly started talking to him and before we knew it we were on his boat being given a tour. Then he pulled out two fishing poles and some large frozen fish that were going to use as bait. He was distraught that Kelly had not been able to catch anything the night before, and he said, “we may not catch anything but I am going to try real hard.” Okay, the guy was a stereotype and that was the G-rated version, but you get the idea. Kelly and I fished for about a half an hour off the dock, but the best we were able to do was see a crab take Kelly’s bait and then run off.



About half way through, G.T., that’s his name, got frustrated and pulled out a fishing net used to catch bait. He felt that maybe the fish weren’t in the mood for the dead bait and that we might have better fortune if used something alive. After the first cast he caught two little minnows, which he promptly speared for us. It was a little sad seeing him do that. Even he apologized to them. And they sadly died in vain because they were of no help. G.T. kept casting that net, and Kelly and I kept fishing, but none of us caught anything. G.T. had a crab on the net at one point and a stick. So we left saying we caught 5 things. But it was fun and we learned a lot. G.T. was the one who told us we had found pluff mud. He also told us we were probably never in any real life threatening danger. This was a little disappointing because it was so much more fun to think we had escaped with our lives from some grave threat by our own athleticism and intellect but in the end we had just walked into a homogenous smelly mud puddle.





At this point it was 7:30 and since the sun had set we gave G.T. our thanks and ran off to the restaurant. Inside Kelly told the host and a manager about our fishing adventure and that if she had caught a fish she was going to bring it in and have them cook it. The manager said that they do that and he didn’t blame us for missing our 7:00 table. Dinner itself was amazing. But we didn’t have dessert. That we saved for the condo, where Kelly had Moose Tracks and milk, and I had Moose Tracks, cake, and Mountain Dew.

Pluff Mud

We made it to Kiawah with no troubles. When we got there we had to check in to pick up the keys to the condo. Unfortunately, the condo was not ready for us so we had to explore for awhile. So I took her to the beach where she instantly jumped right into the ocean. And that act set the pace for what would be the next four days. If there was light Kelly was outside playing and exploring.

That first afternoon was spent showing Kelly around the island. Every time we stopped she pulled out her fishing rod. And you would have been wise to have bet she would catch something. Fish were jumping everywhere. We went to the lagoons where I had seen alligators in years past and to the marshes where the herons hunt. But you would also have lost your money because she never got even a bite.

The next day I wanted to go on a bike ride with her to the end of the island. Sand on beaches generally comes in two properties. If it is wet, then typically it is like concrete. And if it is dry, then it is like play sand. But at the end of the island, where the ocean divides the main land with the island, the sand takes on a third property. Here every step you take is like how I imagine walking on the moon would be. The sand sinks and depresses with your foot, but also doesn’t get blown around like play sand. So you leave behind big foot prints.

On the way we rode by the world famous Ocean Course. It has hosted and is scheduled to host many major golf tournaments. Every hole has a view of the Atlantic. Even the driving range is a sight to see. Which Kelly saw close up, because she hopped the fence and ran onto it looking for balls.

Finally we made it to the end of the island, at probably the peak of low tide. Other than a few rangers who were far off, we were the only people in sight. We wanted to get to the mainland and were hopping the ocean would be shallow enough that we could ride our bikes across. It wasn’t. We had to wade water up to our waste to get through. Also the sand beneath us was like quick sand constantly sucking us down, making that wade very difficult and very wet. This was particularly concerning to me, because I did not want to ride all the way back to the condo sitting on that bike seat with drying tightie whities.

But we made it across and started exploring. Kelly loved the sand and the views. We saw a large flock of pelicans sitting on the shore and nice sized sand dunes. But we also saw a group of small turns sitting off in the distance near some marsh grass. That was a curiosity to us and we wanted to see what had made them clump there. As we started towards them we noticed the sand was very odd. It was like walking on a trampoline. We would take a step, the sand would push down supporting our weight, and when we lifted our foot the sand came right back up with us. Immediately we felt the need to jump up and down on this wonderful surface. When I landed I pushed through the sands’ surface, went down to about my ankles, and noticed a disgusting smelling black icky substance was pouring out from the holes I had made. Right away I had difficulties regaining my balance and I noticed I was sinking. But when Kelly jumped she immediately went straight down to about her thigh. At this point she honestly felt she was going to die. She was sinking and could not get out. And told me to take her hand, and while subconsciously I knew that was stupid idea I took it anyway. And down I went to my thigh. We made it out by crawling out on our hands and knees.

Later we learned that we had jumped into a pit of pluff mud. Pluff mud is essentially decaying plant matter. I believe what had happened is similar to the skin of pudding. The sand from the ocean had blown across the pluff mud and had create a thin but somewhat strong surface that was able to support our weight. But when we jumped on it, that surface broke and down we went and up came the pluff mud.

So after the first full day on the island we nearly killed ourselves, and we still had another one and half days to spend.

Kelly and I doing a little grocery shopping. The grocery store is very forward thinking, just look at the weight watchers buggy.

Driving Through Appalacha

Leaving Ohio sometime the next morning, we traveled South heading through the Virginia's. I had seen some nice pictures of the Farmers Market in Roanoke, and wanted to stop by. Roanoke is a bit off of 77 South, so getting there was going to allow us to get creative. We could take the major highways or instead some of the smaller roads. We chose the smaller roads. In particular we went on 311. 311 gave us some very nice views and was an interesting road itself with many turns and hills. In fact the moment we turned on 311 we had to stop because we saw a flock of turkey vultures just sitting by the side of the road. But while on 311 I saw a road that went up a hill and told Kelly, who was driving at this time, to turn on it because the top of the hill might offer a great view. It didn't, and instead the little road turned into a one-lane gravel path. Not being able to pass this up we continued on this little road and saw some amazing sights.

The houses we passed had three characteristics. They looked as though a strong wind could blow them over, they could be placed on a truck and driven away, and they had either a rebel flag, a satellite dish that looked more expensive than the house, or both.

At one point we came to a general store. Shortly after we got on 311 we came into Virginia. Then a little while later we were back in West Virginia. About a half hour to an hour later we hit the general store, and asked the lady at the counter what state we were in and she said at the top of the hill we just came down we had entered Virginia again. She was very polite, helpful, and well put together. Her accent was adorable. But after we got back in the car Kelly immediately asked me if I had thought something seemed off about the lady. As Kelly put it, "she seemed like a demon was in her, and that fire would come from her eyes." And I completely agreed, there was something terribly off about that lady. After thinking about it for awhile I think I've got it figured out. Her voice was very nice, but her facial expressions did not correspond to her tone. It would be like saying, "Yes, I would love some ice-cream", while shaking my head left and right. I thought of her as sort of a live action version of Droopy.





Shortly after the general store we got terribly lost. But this is what GPSs are for. We had a laugh because the GPS wanted us to get on Highway 465. This "highway" was simply a one laned paved road. Which I suppose was better than the one lane gravel road we had been traveling on. But finally, with the GPS helping us, we made it to Roanoke.

Roanoke turned out to be much larger than I had expected. We never did find the Farmers Market. This was okay though because we had gotten there so late in the day, there was probably no market to be found. Instead we drove by a park that I noticed had frisbee golf, so we stopped and played a round. After one particularly pathetic hole for Kelly, I had clearly won the match but I only counted her 3 - 4 extra throws as 1 so in the end we tied. Then we went to a little diner for dinner. There was too much on the menu though for us to make a decision so when the hostess came to take our order I asked, "we are tired and hungry, what do we want?" And she told us, and we agreed and we had that. Kelly felt the menu warranted a photo. She liked the PBJ and was grossed by the fried Balogna. Speaking from experience fried Balogna is very tasty!




After dinner the sun was setting, and we didn't know where we were staying for the night. We started driving South again on 77, keeping our eyes peeled for a camping sign. Kelly worked the GPS and found a site. The GPS tried its best to get us there, but at one point the road we were on stopped and a sign was up ahead saying, "End of State Maintained Road". Up ahead the road turned into a sort of rocky tire path with grass inbetween. We decided this was technically a road and since we were driving an SUV we ought to treat it like one and continue on like the GPS mentioned. My poor car got scrapped left, right, up and down, by branches and brambles, and after a quarter mile or so we came to a locked gate that would not let us proceed further. So I had to a 50 point turn around and drive back out. Hitting the detour button the GPS took us on a much longer path but eventually we found the campsite.

We were the only people at the site. This was a little off putting to us, but the site was open so we found a parking spot and made camp. Since it was very dark, and we had no idea where tents could be set up, camp was the back of the Pilot. We moved all the luggage to the front seats and made a big space in the back where we could lie down. The tent actually served as my pillow. I cracked the sun roof to give the water vapor from our breath a route of escape and we proceeded to "sleep". That night was very cold, and while I know I slept at least 4 times because of my 4 very distinct dreams, 2 of which were winter themed, I noticed each time I woke up Kelly was a little closer. By the end of night we were huddled up next to each other. I was trying to be manly and stayed on my side of the Pilot, but whenever she moved I silently swore at her to get back where she was because I was very cold too.

The night was rather awful. We had little sleep, were very cold, and also sore from lying on the hard floor. As we were leaving I made a wrong turn and ended up passing a house with some dogs outside. And one of those dogs was a basset hound!!!!! He alone made the whole night worthwhile.

Big Road Trip

What a week. First let's say "Happy Birthday" to Gurney. It's a little late, but still worth noting. Next let's get back to me.

Last week I went on the big road trip with Kelly. We went through, Indiana, Ohio, West Virginia, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee and Kentucky. Seeing everything from Mammoth Cave and Abe Lincoln's birth in Kentucky, to the sandy shores of South Carolina. There was essentially no dull moments the entire time, so trying to get through everything here would require more effort than I want. However there were some events that stood out from the rest.

On Friday night, Kelly drove to Indiana to stay at her Aunt and Uncle's. To do this she had to drive right through where I live. So she stopped by, and when she saw how close I lived she just had to see how this random person she was about to go on a road trip with lived. She liked what she saw and we watched a couple of music videos before heading out to Wendy's for our first road trip dinner. As we were getting ready to go she pointed out my 'Machette' poster and asked "Is this your man poster?" I said it was. A little while later she just burst out laughing and said, "I'm really glad you have that poster hanging up because this place is just way too coordinated." Hah, it does work!

After Wendy's she continued on. I was going to meet up with her Saturday evening and stayed with her and her Aunt and Uncle for the night. For me this was a little discomforting because I do not like staying over at strangers homes. I feel a bit like a burden, and I'm a little shy anyway. But fortunately her Aunt and Uncle were extremely hospitable, social, and relaxed which made me feel right at home. So no good stories there, I was nice and behaved. The next day we traveled to Ohio. I needed to head up to Cleveland to celebrate my Grandfathers 80th birthday and Kelly wanted me to drop her off in Columbus so she could visit a friend. The birthday party was great, and impressive. At the end of the party, my other 80 year old grandfather was tearing down tables and hauling them off to the storage closest in the reception hall where the party was thrown like he was 20. I hope I can be like that at his age. I wish I could be like that now! And Kelly too had an interesting little adventure. This friend of hers she hadn't seen in 19 years. In fact she has two children now, the oldest of which at 12 is nearly the age they last saw each other. So these two old friends who hadn't seen each other in two decades had to spend the next 8 hours with each other. That was another recipe for disaster, but things turned out great and they had a good time.

That night we stayed my folks house. Here Kelly was the one who got to feel out of place. She liked how I had perfectly described my parents ahead of time, and thought it was interesting to see exactly what qualities each of them has in me. According to her, a social worker, I do not have any mental disorders. Rather, I am the product of them.

Okay that was the start of the trip. Essentially nothing awful happened, and to give you a heads up, nothing terrible happened the rest of the trip either. But I still have some more I want to talk about. For now enjoy the pictures.