Alright, I am finally ready (see Ticklin' the Ivories), on this Tasteful Thursday, to present my findings on a topic I have been researching for awhile now. This research spanned several shops, long night internet searches, and personal interviews with family members and co-workers. I even put off working on my other projects just so that I could finish up my studies and get to you my critical analysis on today's subject: underwear.
I do not shop for underwear often. In my adult life I believe I have only gone out and bought a pair once. There is a twofold reason for this. First I usually get them at different times in the year from my Mom who seems to know when its time to get these things and she just throws me a package and says here you go. It's sort of like how she just seems to always know when I need a haircut. The second reason is simply because it's not like I've got anyone else in my life who is going to be seeing it. So long as that elastic band is still functioning, I see little reason to throw it out. But this Christmas Mom was not on the ball, and while my elastic still works I thought it might be time for some new pairs anyway.
So a few weeks ago I went to the mall and started looking around. First I went to nicer shops (nicer for Podunk, Illinois) and saw the prices were quite high. Then I went into the department stores and saw that they too were a little high. We're talking $20 for a three pack. Now while that won't break the bank, I decided to come back home and do some research on the matter. There are so many choices and styles it's difficult to get a grasp of it all from one visit to the mall.
For this blog we will concentrate on the three main types, briefs, boxers and boxer briefs. Let's start with boxer briefs. Boxer briefs are stupid. They look like bike shorts. There's a reason why bike shorts aren't work as regular clothes. It's because they look ridiculous. I cannot imagine why someone would wear them, but apparently they are all the rage nowadays and I hear even the ladies like them. As a result of the increased demand, this ugly clothing line is priced higher. I'm so sick and tired of our wishy-washy culture. Take a stand people, it's either boxers or briefs. There is no middle ground. People who wear boxer briefs are not stylish they're cowards.
Next up are boxers. Boxers also generally look stupid, but for some reason it's like a boys entrance into manhood when he throws out the briefs and slaps on the boxers. For people with little stock or no backend I can understand why boxers would be preferred. They hide a lot. But it's sort of like a scrawny guy wearing a large shirt to look bigger. He really isn't fooling anybody. But there are plenty of practical reasons why boxers are not the best choice. First off because they don't hug the skin as briefs do, they tend to ride up the legs or cause wedgies. For people who sit at a desk all day the ride up effect becomes very noticeable. The next problem with boxers is the issue caused by dangling. Girls you may not realize this, but guys almost always have a few driblets left after they use the bathroom. We certainly don't wipe and have to shake too vigorously to get rid of it all. As a result, underwear can help catch these spare droplets. But for people who wear boxers, there's a very real problem that those droplets won't get caught by the boxers because they don't hug the skin. Consequently those drips can start running down your leg. This is disgusting. Another problem with boxers is that they offer no support or concealment. If you've haven't got enough weight to require support I suppose it's fine. But I gotta tell you that I dislike not having it so much that I even wear my briefs to bed at night. Having your parts just flap around all willy-nilly is no fun. Girls this is similar to why you wear sports bras. The concealment issue with boxers is that they do not conceal excitement very well. Again girls, you may think this shouldn't be an issue but sometimes things can happen involuntarily, such as at inopportune moments like during Mass or when hugging people.
So for me briefs are the way to go. First they just look good. If you have the body always wear briefs. You would never see a bodybuilder wearing boxers. But if you don't have the body go with boxers. Looking bad in boxers is still passable. Looking bad in briefs will cause permanent damage. In general you want to be able to fill or at least make an impression on both the front and back of the briefs. Next up, briefs do not ride up and they tend not wedgie.
When picking briefs there are many things to consider. First off you get what you pay for. Briefs are just like clothes. If you get a ten pack for a dollar you're going to have a bit of a situation on your hands. I think a lot of people think that a shirt is a shirt. This is just not true. There are reasons why some shirts cost $8 and others cost $100. The material and construction make noticeable differences in both the feel and look. Now I'm not about to justify buying a $100 t-shirt, but my point is there is a noticeable difference and to some that luxury may be worth the extra cost. With underwear the best I've found also happens to be the most expensive. It's made by Zimmerli over in Switzerland. Unfortunately their briefs go for between $40 and $60. That's a bit much. Coincidentally Ben Silver, which is a clothing store I like over in Charleston, SC on Kings Street, sells this brand.
Since I'm not entirely made of money, I have to resort to the regular department stores. Yesterday I bought a brand of 2xist. 2xist has gotten very good reviews, and is very affordable. A two pack cost me $8. I tried it on at home and found that while the material was very nice, the opening around my legs was a bit too tight. People at work today said I shouldn't take them back since I tried them on, but Mom said it was perfectly fine and she was right, or at least the store took them back. I think for now I'm going to stick with either BVD or Stafford. They're comfortable, look alright, and are affordable. I'd still like to someday get one of the fancier brands, but living in the middle of nowhere makes that difficult.
There is still so much to say on this subject, but I think I have given you a good start in the right direction. In general I find that no matter what the condition or style you wear, ultimately what really matters is that you at least keep them clean. Like your Mom told you growing up, don't get caught wearing stained drawers.
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