Pepperoni Face

This summer I've started using a lot more sunscreen than usual. I don't burn very much and in the past I hardly ever used it. Typically my shoulders and nose will peel but that's about it. But I'm using it more because last summer I had a bit of a scare.

I'm probably going to get cancer. Everyone in my family seems to get it. Both my grandfathers had it, my grandmother had it when she died (not entirely sure it was the cancer), and my Mom's had it twice. About the best I can hope for is that my sister gets it instead of me. The inside stuff I don't have much control over, but I do tend to look around for any signs of skin cancer during the summer months since I do stay outside so much and don't bother with the sunscreen.

Like this summer, last summer I spent a good amount of time at the club house hanging out by the pool, and one day I noticed a lump on my neck. It had come out of no where and at first I figured I got bit by a spider or something. I remember that once in the past I got bit by something on the back of my right hand and it got really swollen and itched. But I hadn't felt the bite. So I thought that maybe something similar happened on my neck. I didn't think it was cancerous because there was no color change of any kind. I've read that typically moles or other weird things like them change color. The only difference between my neck and hand was that there was no itch. Being a man I decided to let it go. Two weeks later it was still there, same size, no pain, no itch, no change.

At this point I decided to see the doctor. It didn't seem like a bug bite because there was no itch. It didn't seem like a pimple because there was no pain (I find pimples have a slight bit of pain to them if you poke at them). I thought it might be tumorous, and since I pay hand-and-foot for insurance I decided it was about time to cash in.

I don't get sick. The last time I was in an actual hospital for myself was sometime in elementary school when I needed 18 stitches after a game of tag. That's right, tag, prissies go home. Anyway, I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't even know who to call. I ended up going to the hospital and walked around aimlessly until I found someone who could help me. Eventually I made the appointment and got to see the doctor.

The doctor was a nice Indian lady who did a barrage of tests on me. She checked my weight, and blood pressure, and looked at my eyes and ears. My weight was spot on text book perfect. So too was my blood pressure. I asked her what my blood pressure was supposed to be and she said these numbers on the display are what it should be. So basically, I am health. My eyes checked out, but my ears didn't. But we'll get to those. Finally she took a look at my neck. She asked some questions while poking at it. I remember she asked if I smoke and I said no. Then she asked if I drank and I said no. Then she asked again if I drank and again I said no. I found that a bit interesting. The reason she asked twice was because she thought I was going to say yes. But if she didn't think I was lying about the smoking then I don't see why she would have thought I was lying about the drinking. Or if she automatically assumed I drank then I don't see why she asked me in the first place. Anyway, there she is poking at it and asking me these questions when she said "It's a pimple". And I said no way. It's way to big and misshapen to be a pimple. She just repeated it's a pimple. Again I said not a chance, there isn't even any color change. It's not like it was a white or black head. It was just this massive growth, like someone cut a ping pong ball in half and stuck it on my neck. Then she said hold on a sec this is going to hurt, and she took two fingers and squeezed that growth until stuff came out. Not puss my mind you, just body juices. Then she showed her hand to me and said 'see' as though she just proved it to me. I calmly explained that was brain fluid dripping from her fingers but she said no it's a pimple. So in the end I guess I was happy I didn't have to spend a fortune on a painful biopsy, but it was still a bit embarrassing. Then she brought up my ears.

Apparently they were clogged up and needed cleaning. I thought I was going to die. That was really embarrassing to me, like I'm unclean or something. When you're as shallow as me these things are important. I asked her did I have to do it, and she just laughed and said of course, it takes a second, and I can't do it myself at home. So I said alright and she said just to wait for the nurse. Well that was terrible. It's bad enough one person has to know about it (nevermind this blog) but now we have to bring a nurse in on it. As if things couldn't get any worse, she had to be mildly attractive and young. Right away I told her how awkward this was for me, and she said she does it all the time for people. I said I bet you do, for eighty year olds. Sadly she agreed with me. So she does it and since it's my first time I ask her to show me the results. If you've never had it done, they squirt a huge load of water and rubbing alcohol into your ear and it shoves out the gook into a little bowl. The gook is actually a big black wad. Really big. Like, how did that fit in my head big. After it was over I went back to work and died at my desk. And as for that 'pimple' it staid around for about another month or two before it finally went away by itself.

This summer I'm using more sunscreen.