Goopy Drip Prevention

Brilliant ideas are had everyday. But when they're thought of by sensational people they tend to be a little more revolutionary. Well today I had a brilliant idea, and given that I am sensational you can be assured that this idea was particularly luminous.

Earlier this evening I went "where all the lights are bright" and in preparation I wanted to fix my hair. But I didn't want to take a shower. My hair got messed up a bit after work, and I just needed to get it wet again so I could jazz it up a bit. Usually I just throw my head under the faucet, but I didn't want to do that today because I already had my goopy stuff in it and it wasn't going to come out properly if all I did was just get my hair damp. Instead, my hair would start dripping and as I ran for the towel to dry it off I would get goopy-mixed drips on my floor. And trying to wash it out properly under the faucet would just get water all over the place as my hands interfere with the faucet head. Like what happens when you put your finger over the end of a hose.

But then I had my brilliant idea. I could use the faucet in the shower! No one ever said we could only use our showers just for showers. No! We can take baths, or, as I've just discovered, we can wash out our hair. I'm so smart, this is why I make such a great engineer. It's because I can think outside the box.

Pepperoni Face

This summer I've started using a lot more sunscreen than usual. I don't burn very much and in the past I hardly ever used it. Typically my shoulders and nose will peel but that's about it. But I'm using it more because last summer I had a bit of a scare.

I'm probably going to get cancer. Everyone in my family seems to get it. Both my grandfathers had it, my grandmother had it when she died (not entirely sure it was the cancer), and my Mom's had it twice. About the best I can hope for is that my sister gets it instead of me. The inside stuff I don't have much control over, but I do tend to look around for any signs of skin cancer during the summer months since I do stay outside so much and don't bother with the sunscreen.

Like this summer, last summer I spent a good amount of time at the club house hanging out by the pool, and one day I noticed a lump on my neck. It had come out of no where and at first I figured I got bit by a spider or something. I remember that once in the past I got bit by something on the back of my right hand and it got really swollen and itched. But I hadn't felt the bite. So I thought that maybe something similar happened on my neck. I didn't think it was cancerous because there was no color change of any kind. I've read that typically moles or other weird things like them change color. The only difference between my neck and hand was that there was no itch. Being a man I decided to let it go. Two weeks later it was still there, same size, no pain, no itch, no change.

At this point I decided to see the doctor. It didn't seem like a bug bite because there was no itch. It didn't seem like a pimple because there was no pain (I find pimples have a slight bit of pain to them if you poke at them). I thought it might be tumorous, and since I pay hand-and-foot for insurance I decided it was about time to cash in.

I don't get sick. The last time I was in an actual hospital for myself was sometime in elementary school when I needed 18 stitches after a game of tag. That's right, tag, prissies go home. Anyway, I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't even know who to call. I ended up going to the hospital and walked around aimlessly until I found someone who could help me. Eventually I made the appointment and got to see the doctor.

The doctor was a nice Indian lady who did a barrage of tests on me. She checked my weight, and blood pressure, and looked at my eyes and ears. My weight was spot on text book perfect. So too was my blood pressure. I asked her what my blood pressure was supposed to be and she said these numbers on the display are what it should be. So basically, I am health. My eyes checked out, but my ears didn't. But we'll get to those. Finally she took a look at my neck. She asked some questions while poking at it. I remember she asked if I smoke and I said no. Then she asked if I drank and I said no. Then she asked again if I drank and again I said no. I found that a bit interesting. The reason she asked twice was because she thought I was going to say yes. But if she didn't think I was lying about the smoking then I don't see why she would have thought I was lying about the drinking. Or if she automatically assumed I drank then I don't see why she asked me in the first place. Anyway, there she is poking at it and asking me these questions when she said "It's a pimple". And I said no way. It's way to big and misshapen to be a pimple. She just repeated it's a pimple. Again I said not a chance, there isn't even any color change. It's not like it was a white or black head. It was just this massive growth, like someone cut a ping pong ball in half and stuck it on my neck. Then she said hold on a sec this is going to hurt, and she took two fingers and squeezed that growth until stuff came out. Not puss my mind you, just body juices. Then she showed her hand to me and said 'see' as though she just proved it to me. I calmly explained that was brain fluid dripping from her fingers but she said no it's a pimple. So in the end I guess I was happy I didn't have to spend a fortune on a painful biopsy, but it was still a bit embarrassing. Then she brought up my ears.

Apparently they were clogged up and needed cleaning. I thought I was going to die. That was really embarrassing to me, like I'm unclean or something. When you're as shallow as me these things are important. I asked her did I have to do it, and she just laughed and said of course, it takes a second, and I can't do it myself at home. So I said alright and she said just to wait for the nurse. Well that was terrible. It's bad enough one person has to know about it (nevermind this blog) but now we have to bring a nurse in on it. As if things couldn't get any worse, she had to be mildly attractive and young. Right away I told her how awkward this was for me, and she said she does it all the time for people. I said I bet you do, for eighty year olds. Sadly she agreed with me. So she does it and since it's my first time I ask her to show me the results. If you've never had it done, they squirt a huge load of water and rubbing alcohol into your ear and it shoves out the gook into a little bowl. The gook is actually a big black wad. Really big. Like, how did that fit in my head big. After it was over I went back to work and died at my desk. And as for that 'pimple' it staid around for about another month or two before it finally went away by itself.

This summer I'm using more sunscreen.

Petunia in the Onion Patch

Since it's Friday I thought about doing a reflection on the Sorrowful Mysteries. I figured I could do one each Friday. Don't worry, I'll have a funnier post tomorrow. The first one is as good as place as any to start and is the Agony in the Garden.

This one is the most theologically difficult for me to think on because we find Jesus suffering. So often we're told that God wants what's best for us, and if we do His will we will be happy. But Jesus conformed His human nature completely to His divine nature, and yet He suffered. Theologically speaking several interesting questions can arise from this. The first that springs to my mind is whether or not suffering is a product of the Fall. Jesus most certainly wouldn't have suffered in the garden if the Fall had never occurred. But there are other types of suffering. Suffering, as it's been defined to me, is the privation of being. So Jesus suffered in the garden because He was being deprived of His very life. To knowingly walk into a painful death is always going to involve suffering because human nature wants to live. But Jesus' case is rather extreme. The one I like to think on is relationships that come to an end. This can be parents sending their children off to college or even close friendships that have been separated.

There is a good in relationships. We are modeled in God's image, and God Himself is a relationship of three persons. So we are meant to be in relationships with one other. When these relationships come to an end there is a deprivation of a good. When parents send their child off to college, even though they know it's for the best and may be very happy that their child is off to fulfill whatever he was meant for in life, they can suffer. That good relationship is no longer. Yes, it's transforming into hopefully something even more beautiful but that doesn't immediately erase the pain. In time that relationship may build to something greater than it could have ever been if the child staid home but the temporary suffering is there.

Same with friends. We may have very close friends that have decided to move away to seek a better job, or be with significant others. Of course, being your friends, they don't want you to suffer, but it doesn't change the fact that the good of the friendship may be cracked or completely broken, and as a result the suffering will come.

In those cases where the relationship may be completely removed, like by a death, the only way to remove that suffering would be to replace it with a greater good. God is the answer here, when our human relationships come to and end we can still turn to our relationship with God for strength.

But it's difficult to determine how much of the suffering is genuine and how much is out of selfish desires. Take the relationships, if we have put a higher value on those relationships than is appropriate then there will be a disordered component to the suffering. I am of the opinion that without the Fall that disordered component would not exist, but that suffering could still occur. It simply doesn't change the fact that the good of those relationships is gone. The only stipulation to this is that potentially our human nature would instantaneously adjust to the transition in the relationships and the new greater good would bring about an even stronger bond than what previously existed. Like as children go off to college, mature and grow, they do become closer to their parents. And their bond becomes stronger than it did before they left. My guess is maybe that short period of suffering would not exist in an unfallen state.

But we are fallen and we do suffer, so all those intellectual daydreams don't really matter much. Basically, even if we perfectly conform ourselves to God's Will, we are still susceptible to suffering, as seen in today's Mystery.

I suppose that as such, the more practical thing to ponder is what is to be done with the suffering. As I see it there are two options, either we can wallow in it, letting it fill us with despair, or we can offer it up. We should celebrate in suffering because by offering it up we can bring about great good. For proof just look at what came about from Jesus' suffering. God the Father didn't just reward Jesus, He rewarded all of humanity with an overwhelming abundance of grace. So too does God reward us and others for our suffering. This is how our suffering can bring about God's glory. We may not see it, but that doesn't mean it isn't happening. Just as our sins can have unseen consequences so to can our victories. God doesn't want us to suffer, but He does permit it so we should make the best of it instead of wallowing in it asking why He's making us suffer. I think those questions can get us in a heap of trouble. First off, by our suffering a great deal of graces can come from it so we should be celebrating the opportunity. God rewards those faithful to Him. Secondly, if God did not allow us to suffer that could potentially start interfering with our free will. Not only that but we should not be so arrogant as to say we know better than God what's best for us. Or pretty soon we are going to say that God should respond to our will, effectively making us the god of God.

There is so much to say on Agony in the Garden but I think this is already getting too long. Tune in next Friday for the Scourging at the Pillar.

Send In the Clowns

As I get closer to getting laid off I have been doing some reading as to what one is supposed to do when it happens. I'll spare you the details, they aren't that interesting. What is interesting is the maximum payout for a single person, which is somewhere around $385 per week for 26 weeks for the state of Illinois. That amount would require a minor lifestyle change on my part. I'd definitely have to move to somewhere else in town, I'd probably cut cable, and there'd be much less going into savings. But it's certainly livable. The thing is at that price there is less motivation to find temporary work like at MikieD's. If the job won't net you that much in a week there's little reason to take the job. Anything less than $10 an hour won't do.

I'm not truly worried yet but yesterday my boss said it's okay to be so. Most likely the first course of action will be asking people to start using their vacation time. I have a month saved up so I'll probably be asked. Most fortuitously I recently got a customer needing my services for 2 weeks full time. That work started up yesterday. Unfortunately today I pretty much finished the work and tomorrow I'll most likely be done completely with it. The results the customer wanted just did not take nearly as long to acquire as expected. They wanted this long drawn out study done, but after the first batch of results came in they were such that the rest of the entire study could be solved for immediately and all that predicted future work became unnecessary.

As far as finding other jobs go today my friend called me up letting me know of a new job he just got. For about the past year he has been substitute teaching in Peoria. But being the summer time, that work has dried up and he's been looking for other things to do. Well recently he got a job as a balloon animal maker. He even has to join the Society of Clowns for insurance purposes in case a child swallows a balloon or gets latex poisoning. Right now he's in training and can make about 20 different things and can tell some jokes. Get this, the job pays $56 an hour! It's not steady, he only works about 5 to 10 hours a week, but after only 2 hours he's made more than his substitute teaching job pays all day. And it is livable. He's working under the 'master' who gets $75 an hour, and does it for a living and has been for many years now. In the meantime my friend is studying up to be an actuarist.

Only in America will you find a society that places a higher value on clowns than on teachers. And there you have it, if the times have gotten you in a rut, give the performing arts a go.

Family Visit

Impressively my parents managed to make it in this weekend. But Dad did not make his 8:04 prediction. However, this was largely in part to them deciding to go Meijer first to pick up some groceries. Otherwise they probably would have been right on time. Yes, they made the whole 2500 mile trip in three days. What's really impressive is that for the first five hours they averaged about 30 mph due to bumper-to-bumper traffic. I couldn't imagine how frustrating and tiring that would have to be. You'd have to be on constant viligance, it's not like you can just sit back and cruise.

So they get here, and I thought they would be exhausted. But I didn't know that my parents use crack. They jumped out of the car, gave my sister and I hugs, took their bags and zoomed up the 3 flights of stairs to my apartment. Then when they get in, they proceed to both clean my place which apparently was "filthy" and make dinner at the same time. The thing is I had tried to clean before they got there, but apparently what I cleaned was not on their high priority list. Oh well, Mom seemed very happy because as she put it she had been sitting around use-less for the past 3 days.

We had dinner, and watched 'Grand Torino' which my sister and Mom had not yet seen, and then got ready for bed. Dad decided to sleep on the floor instead of in my bed with Mom so that my sister and she could share it. I also slept on the floor with him in the other room. At this point it was about midnight, and Dad decided he's feeling chatty. First he wanted to talk about my 401k plan, then he was curious about the next piece of furniture I'm going to get (a bookcase) and where I plan to get it from. Then he wanted to tell me about how surprisingly nice the Meijer produce department is. At this point I told him to go to sleep, and about 30 seconds later I heard him start to snore. Sigh. It's like this all the time. They both just go until they finally drop in the middle of whatever it is there doing. And I'm left lying there in amazement.

This morning they were up at 5 (although me and sis got to sleep till 8), and before I knew it we had breakfest, opened presents, did more cleaning and they were back on the road home around 9:30. Totally insane. When I drove home from Denver, which is about half the distance they drove, I was so completely drained that I think I slept for about 13-14 hours straight. Granted I pushed myself harder than they did to make it home, but their trip was still twice as long. I expected them to be half dead. Instead they party until midnight, and 5 hours later are awake bouncing off the walls again. It truly is a sight to see.

Pack Your Bags

My parents flew off to California this morning and got the Highlander (see Al Johnson Lives On). At 5:00 this morning Dad sent me a text from Indianapolis telling me to expect him and Mom at the fireworks at 8:04 on Saturday. He's actually pretty good about these predictions. A few years back he made a prediction to the minute as to when we would arrive at Kiawah Island, South Carolina at the start of our trip back in Podunk, Ohio. So maybe he'll be able to pull this off, but it's ambitious. He's got essentially three days to get from San Francisco to me here in Illinois. Right now they are approaching Sacramento in bumper-to-bumper traffic going about 20 mph, and according to Mom they still have another 7 to 8 hours to go to meet their goal for the day. As of now they've been up since 3:00 AM Eastern time. It's currently 6:00 Central (7 Eastern). I think by the time they get in tonight they'll have been up longer today than I have been in total the past two days. But they like the car. Mom says the owner has these sheepskin covers in it that cost him $500. He said he could take them out if they didn't like them (I guess he threw them in as a gift on the price), but according to Mom it feels like she is "sitting on a teddy bear."

The other day I was talking to Gurney about adventures and how I want to have one. And we came up with the perfect plan. Times are tight, I could get laid off. It's unlikely but Gurney says not having a backup plan is bad. I tried to explain that I do have a backup plan, which is to buy a failing pet store for dirt cheap and make it into a profitable operation. I can buy the store and its rights for less than $15,000 and probably would need another $100,000 for inventory. Best of all I actually know how to sell pets. It's not that difficult. You take something adorable, and put it in the hands of a 1 year old and have them waddle on over to their parents. Oh sure the child's parents will scream at you, but unfortunately for them they can't help falling to the cuteness of the situation and you've got yourself a sale. Then you simply remind them that they'll need to get some food, a toy or two, a collar, a leash, and shampoo. 100 of those and I'm in the clear. But Gurney doesn't like that idea and says I'm pathetic. Which is true.

After much yelling back and forth we came to an amazing discovery. Companies pay for your plane ticket and hotel room when they interview you. That is the most incredible thing ever. If you want to stay in Redondo Beach, California just call up Northrop Grumman. Or maybe you want to hit the slopes in Denver, Colorado during ski season. Lockheed Martin is who you want to call. If you need transportation have them rent you a car. It's a free ride to stay in the best parts of the country. Genius.

Melodious Fail

When we were young, very young, everything was new. Like everything was so new that at one point many of us thought that our feet ought to be in our mouths. We were discovering new things about the world and ourselves every second of every day. As we got older there was less to discover. We had learned a lot about the world and while we may have explored with our bodies a bit more in the later grades of elementary school, for the most part we had a pretty solid grasp of what we were and were not capable of doing. For example, pretty early on we learned if we had any double joints. And we learned the great affinity our bubble gum has for our hair if we allow it to go there.

Well today I learned something new about myself. I thought about doing another musical number for this blog, and this time I was going to try singing and playing a song. But that is really hard for me to do so before I spent too much time on it I wanted to hear what my voice sounded like musically. So I recorded myself karaoking 'Lean On Me' off YouTube first to see what kind of singing voice I have. 'Lean On Me', before you laugh too hard at my selection, is the perfect sing-along song. It's got easy to reach notes, you get to belt it out, and everyone knows it by heart. And what I found out about myself while listening to my recording is that I am completely tone deaf. It is throw-the-people-next-to-me-off bad. The thing is it's impossible for me to tell without the recording. In my head it sounds just fine and on key. So it's not like I can correct the problem. Here's the even worse part though. When I was little, probably third or second grade maybe younger, my Mom had me take singing lessons! Gracious. This is so embarrassing cause I tend to sing very loud at Mass. Now I know why I always get my own pew.

One of the lyrics in Joe Raposo's classic Sing a Song goes 'don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear.' But despite his good intentions he may have changed that tune if he had heard me before singing that. No, out of love for my neighbor, I should worry.